Feb 10, 2023

 Feb 10, 2023

      The thoughts go from Texas to Pa and what I was vs. what I became to what I am now.  I remember back in Tx, I knew I had depression. That has never been an issue. Though I never would see a doctor, not after what happened when I was a kid. Will explain that in a sec. I didn't trust a therapist or psychiatrist. But that is part of "being in my head," I guess I was good with it. And the BPD, I thought, was normal. How was I supposed to know that the way the voices talk to me isn't quite as normal as I made it out to be, lol? But it is why I always had multiple accounts everywhere. One in the name of Teddie, Rose, MotorMouth, etc. There was ALWAYS a Rose, almost always a Teddie. The rest would change. It was how I cooped. I put the different "me's" in each one. I would run them at the same time, so I could deal with myself. It was not till later did I start REALLY explaining this to people in this manner. I guess I did not want people to think I was "crazy." 

     Going back a little bit, I remember after Nana passed away when I became "out of control," my mom sent me to a therapist to find out what was "wrong" with me and why I was becoming too much to handle. I think it was a therapist, anyways. My memory tells me they told her what I told them. Whether it was true or not, I do not know. We are talking about the '80s. But my memory did enough to me that I never trusted. 

     It wasn't until my real kid was going to this one place and convinced me they treated her real good that they convinced me I should at least try. And I did. I am glad I did. Over the past 3-4 years, I have learned much about my mental health. 

     I remember one time in my 20s when I went to visit an ex-fiancee (i had a few of those) at a friend's place, and in a 5-10 min time frame, I scared them both because I went from laughing really hard to complete anger to crying scared in a corner. And I have zero ideas why. But I still remember it 25+ years later. Not once did anyone think, "hey, maybe we should take her to the hospital"? Nope, instead, he talked to me till I calmed down. Then I stood up, and we left the trailer. Dont even remember where we went, but I can remember that episode clearly BCS it scared me. 

     I will say this. I am so glad I am getting help now. Because even though I have people (well had) that tried to tear me down, I will still fight and make it. So I choose to do this to tell my story, vs. spending years of excuses and memes over and over on Facebook or Twitter or wherever else about their issues while trying to tear people apart.