March 2, 2023

March 2, 2023

     As I stated on the 23rd in my "that's for another day" part, there were issues with my sperm donor. My parents got divorced early on. I was like 18 months old. So I wouldn't remember anything. At least not in that time frame. Over the next few years, till I turned 10, he would show up. I'm thinking 2-3 times at best. I give him that since I only remember the one time at 10. But I think my mom said he visited a couple others. So this is the "benefit of the doubt" coming in on that. 

     I do remember when I was 10 years, he did show up for my birthday. Trying to remember everyone there. I know my mom, nana, Cary, Jimmie (the sperm donor), and I think grandpa John was all there. For the last one I would have to hunt down the pics from that day. I remember we played with the Magna Doodle I had. And he made tons of promises to me. He promised to stick around this time. He would always stay in communication. He wanted to see me grow up and graduate. He apologized for not being around much for the first 10 years but would make up for it. He made me feel special and wanted for the first time. 

     That was the year Grandpa John passed away, and the following year Nana passed. Where was Jimmie? Nowhere to be found is where. I am a preteen and about to hit those years when I need my father to teach me things about guys. But he was gone in the wind again. No forwarding address or phone number. So I have lost my Nana, who was like a parent to me, and now I basically lost Jimmie, who is supposed to be a parent. 

     Well, it has had a big impact on me. I ended up doing a lot of things I shouldn't have done. I am not proud of many of them now, but it is what made me today. I looked for "love" in literally all the wrong ways. I dated, slept with, and interacted with many people I should not have. But I did not have that staple to teach me what I shouldn't do and how I should be treated. I, of course, for many years, hid it from my mom. She found out that after I stole her car with a friend BCS, an ex broke up with me just BCS, his best friend broke up with my friend. -.- My mom got told by her best friend, who had a daughter in my school, who I knew didn't like me bcs all the guys liked me. So when she heard about what I did, it went from there... Buuuuuuuut anyways, that, too is for another day. 

     When I turned 18 and was months away from graduating, I called info... You know, the whole "landlines" and calling 411 to get information about people and their numbers lol. Is that even around anymore? I called asking if they had a Jimmie ---- listed in Dallas. There was 1! I was like, OMG! So she gave me the number, and I called it. Asked the guy who answered if he was Jimmy R ---, and he said yes. So I then asked, "do you have a daughter named Michele". And his voice cracked. So ummm yeah guess I hit it on the nail, huh. So we talked and told him I was graduating in a few months. And crazily invited him to go. I was hoping that he had missed me I guess. 

     He went to it, and then we talked off and on for a few months. We went to a Dennys and had a long talk. He apologized for not being part of my life and that the drugs had gotten the better of him, but he was clean now. I told him about my life and some (only some) of the things I had done. BTW I am engaged to my first husband at this time. What pissed me off in this convo was he said, "I couldn't find you after I left". WAIT, WHAT BAAAAAAAAACK UP. I lived in the SAME HOUSE from the time I was 10 months old to 19ish. So that was a bond face lie, but whatever, I let him speak, and he promised again he wouldn't hide and we would get to know each other better. 

     His idea of getting to know me better was sending me a WEDDING invite while I was pregnant, and not even knowing he was dating anyone!??!? LIKE, what the hell! We had talked many times, and suddenly I got a wedding invite in the mail... I might have been a bit pissed off and refused to attend the wedding. Of course, I came up with an excuse. She was around my age and had a 5-year-old. Now that doesn't bother me, but what bothered me was at any time, he could have said, "I am dating someone and would like you to meet them" BEFORE THE WEDDING.  Guess that was too much to ask. 

     Then the following year, while I was pregnant, when my second child, I got a message saying, "you are going to have a sibling. Are you excited?" ummm NO... I have 1 kid with another on the way. Why do I need a sibling now? Well, my half-brother is 5 months younger than my youngest kid. Now I am thinking MAYBE, he would want to be more in my life BCS so the kids can grow up together. But as fate would have it, that was a no-go. 

     He died when my brother was about 12-18 months old... BEFORE this, when he was in the hospital, I didn't know he went to the hospital till he had been there for a few days. Didn't know he had gotten out. And then I didn't find out he passed away for a few days. So I did show up to the funeral. With 2 crying babies... OPPSIE. Then I will never forget this. No one knew who I was but 1 person. And she came up to me and said, "Jimmie talked about me all the time" I looked her in the face, called her a liar, and said no one here but my stepmom even knows who I am, so I don't believe it. Then to add insult, my stepmother would not let me see my brother. But she promised to stay in touch so the kids would know each other. But like Jimmie, Beth didn't keep the promises. She suddenly vanished in thin air. 

     A few years ago, though, I did hunt my brother down. bcs there was an inheritance he was owed. I found out he had had it rough. His mother had passed when he was young, so he was raised by a church woman. He was told Jimmie had no other kids. I was able to prove that was incorrect. So basically, they just tried to wipe me from his life. I don't talk to him, I should write him. I found out his sister was a real mess. So he had it rough. 

     But I learned something about myself in all this. I was a Daddy's girl. But I had no Daddy to do what they were supposed to. So I learned a lot of things the hard way. I got lucky, though. I have a husband who is everything to me now. And we live the BDSM lifestyle as a DD/lg. If you don't know what that means, it means Daddy Dom/little. I have age regression, and he takes care of me. He is my Dom, my Caretaker, my Husband, my EVERYTHING. 

     At least I found 1 guy in my life that was true to their word. Till next time <3